63Friend of Philomena Cunk, famed British mockumentary host, who often references things Paul has said or done
Cunk's mate Paul
Identity: Friend of Philomena Cunk, famed British mockumentary host, who often references things Paul has said or done
Background: Here is a collection of things Philomena has said about her mate Paul: He wrote a story about a man who got a potato stuck up himself following an ill-advised sex game. And he wrote that in the form of a limerick. No one died but it sounded horrendous. He was driving to Winchester when a lorrie jack-knifed in front of him and he was hurtling towards it and everything went slo-mo and Paul, who’s never been religious, spoke to Jesus and said “I promise if I survive this, I’ll believe in you.” And he did survive but he fractured his skull and broke both his legs. Paul never forgave him and he says “if I see Christ again, he’s a dead man” He got terrible diarrhea while he was doing a 30-mile sponsored walk to Harrogate dressed as Spider-Man for Help for Heroes. “One of the most noble and disgusting things I’ve ever seen.” Before the organizers intervened he raised 368 pounds He ate five ketamine brownies and thought that he could communicate telepathically with any animal he saw on television. He ended up being sectioned for his own safety. He invented a treadmill for his fiancés pet snake, and sketches for that were much more convincing than Leonardo da Vinci’s flying machine. And he was on mushrooms. Mind you, the prototype did pull the snakes head off. That was the worst ending to a birthday party Philomena had ever been to. He punched a TGI Fridays waiter for dropping his banoffee pie He sent a video exposing that neither the moon nor nighttime is real You know how some people talk about opening their third eye? That's what Paul calls the hole at the end of his penis He said that if you look in a mirror for about an hour you can trick your consciousness into thinking it's inside the other you, and then you can run off before it jumps back out to get you. He managed it once but about a second after he started running he caught his balls on a door handle and then ended up rolling on the floor in agony while his consciousness watched pissing itself